A Forwarded Email Future House Queen Style.

I received this email as a forward today... well, most of it... I updated it to be more me.

o I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” and road construction routing option.

o More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

o Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you could be wrong. Still, never admit defeat.

o I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

o Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

o I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to pee my pants when I was younger.

o The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will always be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards”... its like playing roulette... who knows where your pointer finger will land.

o Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft... and DVD's are superior to cartridges.

o There is a great need for sarcasm font. and an angry font... and a i am just in a hurry font.

o Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

o I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

o How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

o I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

o I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

o The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text or locate something in my oversized handbag.

o A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

o Was learning cursive really necessary?

o Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

o I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and beginning happy hour.

o Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

o How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

o While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

o MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

o Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

o I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

o Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever... unless you just peed them.

o I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of spunky.

o Bad decisions make good stories.

o Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

o If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

o Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from; this shouldn’t be a problem…

o You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day... or week.

o Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

o There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far... or have a near miss on the interstate.

o I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my sixty page employee manual that I swear I did not make any changes to.

o “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will chance it... and likely ruin said garment.

o I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

o I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

o I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. I also hate leaving my house in sweats and a FLDS braid in my hair sans lip gloss and a chipped pedicure and running into everyone that I have not seen in 7-9 years.

o When I meet someone, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

o I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

o Why is a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

o As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

o Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

o I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

o I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

o Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

o Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

o I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

o I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

o I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

Liar Liar... Pelosi Sets Wilson's Pants On Fire With Her Blazing Hot Glare Of Disdain.

Rep. Wilson called PBO a liar. Nancy Pelosi and VP Joe the dunce have just removed their rose colored glasses and put on their "angry eyes". Things just got interesting. Things are looking up... This could prove to be fun. Wait a minute, this is not a laughing matter. This is serious business. There is nothing funny about the government trying to impose a disaster of a health care policy on we the people. I mean nothing.

Wait a minute... things just got funny again. Barry (AKA "Golden Boy") just said that this could all be paid for by shaking up medicare and medicaid and ridding it of the corruption... and using those funds to pay for his initiative. I just peed my sweat pants. Who does he think he is speaking to... the first graders he addressed yesterday? I don't believe that there is a single American who believes that this is a viable solution. Nice try though, Mr. President.

However, things are not funny. (But they sort of are) You cannot compare the cost of defending our national security against tablecloth wearing wack jobs to a "voluntary" government expansion. There is no comparison. If we do nothing to thwart those crazy guys probably named Mohammad or Abdi we the people will live in a very different and scary world. If we do nothing to reform health care, we the people still are afforded the ability to choose our doctors and whether or not to subscribe to health care plans.

Though he may dismiss the town hall attendees as "out of touch" with what our country so desperately needs, I dare say that he should probably take a long hard look into that hall of mirrors at 1600 Pennsylvania. After all it is you, Mr. President that needs to spend a little more time looking in the mirro; these are your constituents. I am fairly certain that they, unlike yourself do not willingly associate with ones who view everyday hard working Americans as white polluters. Unlucky for us the likes of these seem to be in your "top 8" on myspace. Me... I have Goldy the Gopher... so what do I really know?

Mr. Jones Said...

A bit of insight into our commander in chief's closest "green" pal and his views. The video is a little long, but worth watching. My parents always said that they didn't have to worry about me as long as the company I kept was "good company". I judge PBO by his actions, his friends, and his affection for the White Sox. (seriously, who likes the sox) These judgements are not viewed in a favorable light. He is toxic to America. The worst ever. And, his friends, my friends, deplorable.

BTW... God Bless the USA for affording me the free speech to say such things about our leader. I wonder if he had his way if this would continue... or would he simply choose to address the nation CCCP style (like he plans to do with our school kids next week) to remind us how wonderful he is. I have a deep respect for the office of the presidency, but unfortunately, I do not hold the same affections to PBO. 39 months and counting... 39 months and counting. I hope and pray that "change" is a comin' our way.

Stripper... Hoe... A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!

I thought a stellar "former" blogger would have beat me to this story, however, since he is the "next" winner of the Georgia lottery and his blogging days are over... and he can now only be found on some sort of posh yacht in Cannes or Ibiza or somewhere skinny dipping off of the Dalmatian Coast with Heidi no doubt, is excuse enough for this simple yankee gal... Seriously, the irony cannot escape a "special needs" dog on this one... Stripper... Hoe... Its a winner, folks! IDY, do you have any room to spare on your 200+ foot yacht? I have ample vacation time waiting for such an occasion! Congrats on your big win. I like big gifts. Gems. While I await your invite to attend the soiree of the decade, I will fill my spare moments viewing TV at its finest such as this clip!

Fairytales Do Come True...

This one is for Janie! I knew it, JCT!!! I knew they really do exist. The stars have aligned, my life is complete. Hannah Montana is my girl... and Timon and Pumba are a real life duo. Hakuna Matata, it is truly the best of both worlds!

Congress' Finest.

I don't know about you, but I feel much better knowing that my country's future is in this idiot's capable hands. Not only do I hate pretty much everything about the state of Florida (minus the beach) but this witch is officially at the top of my I hate Florida list. I have yet to know where the third district that she represents is located, however I will find out and find a suitable replacement to run for her seat. Heck, I could find any bum on the street... dress them up in a suit, and have a viable candidate. Stupid, stupid woman!!! I guess all I can do is gratulate the state of Florida for electing this pathetic lackluster individual to a seat in congress. And to think we are concerned about national healthcare reform... looks like our educational system could use an extreme makeover. D-U-M-B Dumb. I wish I could yield back the balance of her term in congress.

Cutest. Puppy. Ever. (Well, At Least Since Mr. Diddy Bop.)

Not everyone is thrilled with her arrival. Oh Poor Daisy!






I could write about my personal grievances with ObamaCare... but really, who cares when you have this new addition to your family. Introducing Miss Hannah! She is hands down the cutest puppy born in 2009... Mr. Bop does still holds the title as cutest puppy ever... none will beat him. Although Ms. Hannah is quite the rival. She is currently crying her sweet puppy cry to be let out of her Doggie Jail. Oh the willpower I must possess. She is so sweet, adorable, and amazingly 99% potty trained. All in all, so far... she is a SUCCESS! And, she loves her blonde cowgirl baby doll! Hopefully some green-hearted canines will warm up to her arrival in the next couple of days... she's not going anywhere guys!