Headlines and Headliners

Alright, I had to make another post, stat. You see, I simply couldn't allow the supreme Ms. Britney's picture sit next to mine. It made me feel less like a pop star, less fabulous, sub par. I think I need a stylist, a trainer, and a photo shoot with Annie Liebowitz yesterday. Excuse me while I handcuff myself to the elliptical machine and make an appointment at the salon.

Besides Ms. Spears, and her "circus" there is actually a lot going on in the news. Here are my top 10 favorite headlines for the day. No, they do not even begin to pretend to be in the same stratosphere as the upcoming music extravaganza to be held this evening... but they are good none the less.

10. Man has erection that lasted for 8 days. Apparently this sort of experience is bad for ones health. Requiring the guy to go under the knife. Those silly Cialis commercials warning of an erection lasting more than four hours have always made me chuckle. This guy puts an entirely new spin on the whole thing. Being that exciting must be "hard" work.

9. Bernie Madoff's brother will now be living in absolute squalor. His monthly allowance from the feds: $10,000.00. Man, I wish this was my cross to bear. Think of the shoes I would own? Poor baby!

8. Madonna is unfit. She has been denied by a Malawian judge to gain custody of an African orphan due to her address. Apparently she must live in the African bush for 18 months in order to become a mama again. I have mixed feelings about this one. But none the less, don't you think her attorneys would have had this figured out before she traveled to pick up said child? I'm just saying...

7. Kim Jong Ill and his North Korean cronies are planning on launching a "satellite" in the next few days. Satellite my fanny. Someone needs to spike this guy's Diet Coke with Drano. The world would be a better place. Heck, the person would probably get some sort of Nobel Peace Prize for ridding the world of one of its ills. Pathetic despot. Crazy MoFo. This guy is definitely on my "watch list".

6. Michael Vick has revealed his post prison plans. The former Atlanta Falcon's phenom will now work a construction job for $10.00 per hour. He will surely have his $7,000,000.00 debt to the NFL team paid back in no time. Obviously the fall from the top is a long way down. Punk.

5. PBO and his G20 friends look to be having an amazing time, and they have the picture to prove it! Have you seen the images? Very frat boy partyesque. Seriously? Actually, I rather like the picture of the world leaders. They look like a bunch of animal house wanna be diplomats. Looks like "nation building" was a success, Denmark psychos and all.

4. America's dumbest criminal has a new front runner. Some dude had a really brilliant plan. He was totally using his head... all of it. His plan you ask? Ram head through glass... for creating instant access to the goods he so desired. Now the phrase "fools rush in" has an entirely new meaning.

3. The left wing bloggers are feuding. The Daily Kos doesn't like the Pink ladies. Apparently their ideals are out of touch and insignificant. You tell em, Kos. Please send yourselves the same memo. Far right and Far left views are not those of middle america... but then again, we do cling to our guns and religion here.

2. Blago has been officially charged with all sorts of nasty things. We all knew this was coming. What we didn't know, was that he was going to be at the happiest place on earth when he found out the bad news. I guess not everyone in Disney is eternally happy. Somewhere, there is an Ex-Gov. having a really bad day. But, it should make him feel better that some five year old didn't get the Mickey doll they so desperately wanted. Tantrums and hardship all around.

1. The White House gave out the wrong phone number for Sec. Hillary Clinton's press live chat. Instead of getting Hillary, members of the press got hooked up to a sex line. Isn't this so typical of anything Clinton? I just would have expected it centering around her other half. Who knew Hillary had it in her. This one could bring me joy for days, weeks, months... imagine calling in and getting this... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Thats all, folks. I am now officially speechless. Off to stand in front of some mirror and stare at my beautiful face... it is almost as pretty as Britney's, right?