Open Letter.

Dear PBO,
Apparently you are not a very good gift giver. Its OK... people have a really hard time buying for me, I can't imagine trying to please a real queen. (wait, I am not really one? Sigh.) There is hope for you. There is a learning curve to buying gifts. If it makes you feel any better, I once dated a guy that gave me a t-shirt that said, "Sometimes I pee when I laugh" as my first gift... he was officially known as Bad gift ______. My mean spirited sister loved this about him. She found joy in my pain. She loved to watch gingerly and almost reluctantly open whatever package was placed before me. The poor SOB had such high hopes for his gifts... I must be a good actress, or he is clueless. I guess it is the thought that counts. The package was much better wrapped up with a ribbon, than unrapped and revealed in all of its misery. I just wanted them to stay neatly adorned in giftwrap and curling ribbon... they were better that way. The element of surprise was better than the actual gift. It was better than me pretending to love whatever piece of junk he presented to me. Seriously, I should have known right off the bat that this one was going no where fast. Aaah, chalk it up to youth and inexperience.... actually, he turned out to be one heck of a gift giver. He just needed a little "training". sometimes, I miss his gifts. sorry for the tangent.

The point is this... you are pretty new at buying presents for people you don't really know that are queens. You will likely improve. I have great faith in your gift giving abilities. After all, you are married, this means you have a wife. This means that there is a woman in your life. This means you have ever been dragged on a trip to the mall to purchase gifts for others you don't know particularly well. Essentially, on this one - you are not to blame. I am assuming that this is the job of some low level WH employee. (is there even such a thing...if there is, I am available for gift buyer in chief... or whatever, you can choose the title... I would be happy to send you my current online shopping carts and credit card statements in lieu of a resume... more appropriate don't you agree?) You are probably far too busy with other important matters such as aiding GM in selection their new board members to bother shopping for the queen. You are probably too busy thinking up ways to make Americorps the 14th largest employer in the country to bother with choosing UK friendly DVD's. Surely, you have been far too busy firing CEO's and the likes to check if the queen already had an IPOD. I get it, you're busy. Perhaps, to save some face next time... you should delegate some of this gift giving responsibility to your lovely wife. Skip the low level WH intern. Go with what you know... use your first lady. She should be pretty good at this.

Oh, and Mr. President, one last thing... stop trying to have government take over my entire life. I don't appreciate it, at all. You see, I don't really feel like living in Calgary, although it is beautiful... I didn't choose to move to Arles. Nope, I surely didn't choose Stockholm as my hometown. Nope, Mr. President, I choose to live in the United States. I like it here. I like capitalism. I like the risk and reward of failure. It keeps life exciting, and my alarm clock set. No offense Mr. Pres., but you know that your ideas may be slightly off kilter when UK citizens lambaste you for your wacked out policies being too "socialist". This whole gift giving fiasco was not your fault. You are not to blame for that one. But this gift of big government you seem so hard pressed to give to the American people... this one is yours. And frankly, like the "pee tee", this one will be better served left wrapped up, on the emergency gift shelf, for a later (much much much... like um... never) date. In this instance, the old adage "its the thought that counts" just won't cut the butter. Looks like you need to go back to the drawing board, and try something a little more "capitaliy" before gifting the american people with a financial WMD.
Cheers!
KKRT