I received this email as a forward today... well, most of it... I updated it to be more me.
o I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” and road construction routing option.
o More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
o Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you could be wrong. Still, never admit defeat.
o I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
o Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
o I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to pee my pants when I was younger.
o The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will always be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards”... its like playing roulette... who knows where your pointer finger will land.
o Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft... and DVD's are superior to cartridges.
o There is a great need for sarcasm font. and an angry font... and a i am just in a hurry font.
o Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
o I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
o How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
o I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
o I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
o The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text or locate something in my oversized handbag.
o A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
o Was learning cursive really necessary?
o Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
o I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and beginning happy hour.
o Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
o How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
o While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
o MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
o Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
o I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
o Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever... unless you just peed them.
o I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of spunky.
o Bad decisions make good stories.
o Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
o If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
o Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from; this shouldn’t be a problem…
o You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day... or week.
o Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
o There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far... or have a near miss on the interstate.
o I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my sixty page employee manual that I swear I did not make any changes to.
o “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will chance it... and likely ruin said garment.
o I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
o I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
o I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. I also hate leaving my house in sweats and a FLDS braid in my hair sans lip gloss and a chipped pedicure and running into everyone that I have not seen in 7-9 years.
o When I meet someone, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
o I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
o Why is a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
o As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
o Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
o I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
o I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
o Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
o Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
o I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
o I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
o I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
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