Fool Proof Warning

Dear Freddie Prince Jr.,
In a couple of days, there is going to be the stupidest holiday ever invented. I guess you may call me a casualty of love. After all, it is a trick and a trap... and even hot chick (or mans) can carry the clap. My disdain for this day does not let you off the hook. Unfortunately for you, I like to get presents... alot! Due the excessive amount of fox news we both watch, I have become concerned that you may have gotten some sort of subliminal message as of recent. If you buy me the pajama gram or a vermont teddy bear it is over. Finito. Hasta Lavista, Baby. As I informed you on a previous date that I purchased you a new monogrammed cabin bag... which comes complete with a matching workout bag... which comes complete with a matching long weekend getaway bag... I will not be ruining the surprise as to what you will be getting this coming Saturday. I expect something of greater value. Please remember that I am very expensive, and it will be difficult to buy my affection. However, I have great faith in your checking account. Happy Shopping. Remember, I will judge your love based upon the size of the gift... size does not always indicate the true value of a gift... thing dolla bills, yo! Can't wait to count the ways!
Love,
KKRT

ps... I am going to throw this out there just in case... consider it the idiot tip: Do not in any way shape or form offer to write me a check for my birth control pills... I once heard of a guy who did this, and things did not progress in a friendly manner.