100 Daze.

"Can You Handle The Truth" will not be unveiled as scheduled today in Union Square due to the public outcry against the painting. This upsets me. While it is controversial and rather edgy and might offend little old ladies and Vatican officials, it is after all, art. Art is edgy controversial and offends little old ladies, and has been offending Vatican officials for years. The painting poses a real question quite literally so that even the least educated viewer can get something from it. I have not done any research on the true meaning behind the aforementioned picture, and suppose you could interpret said painting 1,000 ways from Sunday.

My Interpretation: Its a spin-off on Gauguin's Yellow Christ painting. The one where Christ is so huge and painted the same color as the landscape, making the connection that "Christ is in the landscape". In "The Truth" the OBammessiah poses curiously similar to Yellow Christ, and instead of being placed within the landscape, he is placed in front of a Government seal... In other words, Government and PBO the messiah are everywhere. I actually believe it to be a sarcastic look at how enamored the mass media and public is at PBO, call it the 100 DAZE... and his over zealous intentions to increase big government programs... and how he and his policies are the way the truth and the life... but nobody gets there without PBO. But I could be dead wrong.

I will check back and give you the real deal later. In any matter, the painting will not be displayed in public any time in the near future. However, PBO will surely be working hard to expand government's involvement in our daily lives... fast tracking all of his plans, and using his newest democratic senate member to move things along the road to socialism. I guess we don't need a painting to point out that Obama is in the landscape, he does a pretty good job of reminding us of that on a daily basis.

Move It Up, Guys. When Technology Goes Wrong... And Those Who Fall Victim.

I don't have anything to offer today. Much like the president, my tele-prompter has malfunctioned. I will attempt to "fix the glitch" and get back on track tomorrow. For Pete's sake... what would ever happen if the executive branch ever experienced a power outage? Rahm's worst fears would certainly be realized. The great orator, otherwise known as POTUS would be exposed for his less than William Blakeish talent at delivering a message. Until then, PBO and myself will have to admit defeat and remain speechless. Can someone get me a speechwriter, Stat?

P.S. I have become aware that the Salt Lake Tribune linked to my blog a couple of weeks ago. My instant celebrity status has most definitely gone straight to my head. I am now contemplating a career standing on my Tide Mountain Fresh box and staring at my mostly beautiful self in the mirror all the live long day. Imitation is not the most sincere form of flattery anymore. Linkage is top dog around my neck of the woods. An autograph session will most likely be held at Stein Erickson's Lodge for any of those who wish to know this future house queen. The Salt Lake Tribune is the best paper in the west! And, my blog is not too bad, either.

I Love A Man In Uniform: Part 1

The plumber that unfortunately just left my kitchen was so dreamy... The dreams that naughty movies and calendars are made of. I should have faked a problem with my shower just to keep him around a little longer... that or I should have given him the home tour focusing on my bedroom. Oh the movie plots running through my crazy little head right now... cliche and predictable. But why mess with the classics. Corey the plumber was so hot he would make your teeth sweat. I already miss him. Sigh. Back to your regularly scheduled programming. I should have taken his picture... next time. Thank God I have his card.

PS... there seems to be a lot of shouldas in this post. Note to self: next time, seize the day.

Minneapolis' Finest Earth Day Celebrations Go Bust.

Freddie Prince Jr. sent me the link to this story. He deserves the credit for his fine investigative skills. Popeye's truly is the most interesting establishments in America. Things that happen at Popeye's never cease to amaze me. Perhaps my very favorite aspect of this story is the way people choose to celebrate holidays. Some plant a tree on earth day... others head to Popeye's for a deal on an 8 piece fried chicken. Different strokes for different folks...

Yesterday I Was Swindled... Today I Was Swaddled

Last night Freddie Prince Jr. and I ventured off of the purple sofa, and headed to Champ's for a little glass of the nation's finest brew (also known as Miller Lite) and a whole lot of conversation. What exactly is it about a pint of beer that opens up the floodgates of conversation anyways? I love going out for a beer. It is just not the same thing having one at home. Anyway, while entering said chain establishment, a very dapper and beguiling gentleman in a rather flashy suit approached the two of us. He immediately went into his well rehearsed request for spare cash. Freddie Prince Jr. was reaching for the door, I stopped... which halted his every movement. He would never leave me alone, vulnerable to a homeless guy's whims. Chivalry is not dead. My white knight.

His oration lasted little more than 90 seconds. He explained how he just arrived in Minneapolis via Chicago to see his ailing grandfather, and that suddenly he (the grandfather) had been moved to a new local in Iowa. Convenient. Suspect. But this guy was good. This guy was bright, articulate, immaculate, and was probably doing a little more than pulling my leg. He requested $22.00 so that he could take the bus to the downtown shelter for the evening before he continued on his search for his beloved granddad. I had $26.00 in my wallet.

I don't know why... I usually do not even blink when someone requests money from me. The answer is NO... friend or foe. After all, I went to work to earn it. Those who choose to panhandle, have broken all of the rules that I believe in; hard work, self pride, responsibility. But something about this guy was different. He was such a charmer, and I was his snake. Play your flute Mr. zoot suit, watch me dance. And yes, I still feel that he was reciting to me tales as tall as those told by Pecos Bill. However, I was not listening to his words, I was entranced by his heartbreakingly sad eyes and impeccable manners. My money was soon to be his. PBO could take a lesson from this guy in the selling your issues department. He had mad skills.

I reached into my wallet and pulled out two dollar bills... praying to myself that it was not the "Jackson". In that same instance, I felt guilty for hoping that the extracted cash was the least of my bills. I was ashamed by my own selfishness. I looked at the bills. It totaled six dollars. Phew... I guess...twinge of guilt setting in. I handed the money to him, and looked him in the eyes HARD. I wanted him to know that I knew that he wasn't pulling the wool over my eyes, but I found him worthy enough to acknowledge. And, regardless of his lies... They were not the big picture to me, I would listen. I choose to share some of my paycheck as proof of hearing him out. Naive? Yup!

Freddie Prince thinks I am a sucker. And I admit that I am one. He told me that he sees this same guy downtown almost daily cruising for the change of those who set their alarm clocks. He didn't fall off of the turnip truck yesterday. He is on to this man's game. Immediately I felt had. I was so angry at the dapper dude in the nutmeg colored suit for taking advantage of my kindness without a sliver of remorse. At the time, I wish I had that moment back. Rewind. I would have ducked into the vestibule, pushed him from my thoughts as best I could, and chatted with the one I love. But that is not how the hand unfolded. I stopped. And man am I glad that I stopped.

One of my very favorite blogs written by the notorious Los Whit is a regular stop on my daily Internet time. I like what he has to say. He is as real as real comes. He is relevant. his post titled "Can I have your attention please" (which happened to be posted today, ironic?!?) is a little more than relevant. And it better articulates how I felt. I too wanted to let that guy know that I knew the truth... but that in the end, I understood that there was so much more underlying his contrived fabrication. My monetary donation was more about the admitting of the series of unfortunate events that led him to mislead me with such ease. And to me, that was the real underlying issue. Look at me, all Liberally... Teddy Mondale would be so proud.

Now, do I really believe that he understood that I knew that he was pulling my leg? Yes. Do I think he cared? No. He was on a mission to avoid at all costs the prospects of asking whether or not I would like fries with that. He was after results. And for him, I provided, albeit a little short of his request. I knew all of this when I handed over hardly enough cash to buy a drink at Starbu*ks. But, in the end, it was MY choice to redistribute my "wealth". I could have walked away and pretended that he was invisible. (I bet he feels pretty invisible.) I am glad that I didn't. I had a lesson to learn.

I was reminded that we are prompted by the creator to give. We are not asked to give to those who will not buy booze with our offerings. We are not asked to give to those who choose whether or not to get up and DO something. We are asked to give, and to give freely. I no longer regret the six dollar investment I obviously made in his nightly "40" or dime sack. Because, while this is where my $6.00 probably ended up, what if it didn't? What if... isn't that the true $64,000.00 question.

The bottom line is as concrete as any country club swimming pool deck. They guy was in a state of desperation in one way shape or form. The real depravity of his situation is not his supposed drug habit, but his lack of feeling of self worth. I don't know how to fix that, but I am fairly confident that six bucks or a government program is not the answer. Compassion and giving, however, on some level is. I have not walked a day in his shoes. I pray that I never experience their discomfort, and lack of support. He does not need a paycheck. He needs a friend, a support system of people, and guidance. He does not need money, government assistance or a presidential messiah. He needs the real deal, Jesus. (and maybe rehab)

I wonder how freely "We the people" will continue to give when the government implements the inevitable tax hikes? I am willing to bet that the government programs will be vast and all encompassing. I am also willing to bet that hard working people will feel the pinch. They will simply be unable to "give freely" to those who are in need... real or not. Charities will report of huge declines in the donations they receive. The needy will suffer. I am also willing to bet that while my paychecks become smaller, and the federal government becomes larger... the guy in the suit will not be any better off. He will still be scrounging for change... (and not of the PBO variety) I just wonder if the next person he asks will have to say, "sorry man", due to the increased interest in the monetary value of his or her paycheck by the federal government. Nobody wins. Especially the "least of those". Somehow, they will again fall through the well intentioned bureaucratic cracks. PBO will not deliver them to the promised land of free mortgages and increased government assistance. The problems are far to vast for even him to conquer. It is a failed endeavor. Suit guy is another invisible face in the democratic party. They overlook him as easily as the GOP, do not be fooled. They too wish he would just disappear.

However, perhaps the most interesting part about this entire scenario is the lesson or "God Instance" that unfolded before my eyes. Far more valuable than the six dollars. I love how He works. Genius. Today, he spoke to me through a fancy bum and an Internet blog. And, in this instance... I got it. It wasn't about the money. It was about humanity, human worth, and compassion. It was about the reality of addiction, poverty, and those who are helpless in one way or another. It was not about handouts. It was about acknowledging those who are in such a dark place, that they submit to begging on a rainy Monday evening. It is about a refusal of deigning him invisible. It was about realizing the fancy suit guy's worth... not his net worth, but his human value in the eyes of someone much greater than I. Today I was swaddled in the truth about all of God's children. Maestro, if you please, ...And I am one of them and so are you...

I will pay six dollars for a valuable reminder any day. That is an investment that will be far more valuable than any blue chip. Hello world! This is me... A compassionate conservative. Now enough non-productive activity. Get back to work. And, watch out for the guy in the nutmeg suit if you are where all the lights are bright, he is looking for your parking money.

Open Letter

Dear President Obama,

Just when I thought you could not screw things up any more... you go ahead and release what I would consider to be sensitive and classified information. In all seriousness, I am curious as to what led you to make this ill-fated decision. Please, enlighten me. I know you are not particularly fond of waterboarding, not many are. (although it would make one heck of a parenting strategy for spicy and rebellious teens) But, why would you let despots in on the little secret of what sort of "torture" they can surely expect not to endure. Perhaps it has escaped your consciousness that these individuals that have/will undergo such methods of information gathering are the same sort that fly commercial airlines into skyscrapers or chop off people's heads? It has not escaped mine. I say that in such instances, a little simulated drowning to thwart future terrorist attacks is more than appropriate. In fact, it is necessary.

By releasing such sensitive material, you accomplish little. However, you do accomplish the following: Let the terrorists (because, frankly, that is what they are) and pathetic nations such as France peek in the windows of the United States intelligence operations. Way to go, sir. I disagree with your fondness to do America's laundry in public. It is simply bad form, and will not bring any sort of goodwill to we the people.

Please stop pandering to the far left fringe. Pelosi and Company are not exactly on the same page as the rest of the populous. They cried out for the release of the CIA's report. And lucky for them, you once again delivered. Perhaps, instead of looking out for your left-wingers, you should do your job and look out for the nation in which you lead. Just a suggestion. I am secure in my beliefs that you will not take heart to my suggestion... but I leave it out there for you just the same.

You have disappointed me more today than ever before. Really, do you think it is Germany's business to know that in order to protect the US, the CIA capitalized on one's fear of bugs and spiders and extracted valuable information. I think not. Then again, I am not surprised that you and I are again at polar opposite positions. Mr. President, I challenge you to do your job. Uphold the laws of the land, follow the constitution, protect those who make a living protecting the public, have pride in your country, and use your power to limit the influence of the government. That would be the most powerful statement you could make.
Sincerely,
Future House Queen

PS... I don't know if you have heard Dennis Miller's joke regarding the Somali pirates. It is quite funny. Somali want a cracker? Its a good one, isn't it. I thought you may enjoy it.

Today We're Gonna Party Like Its 1773!

As I sit here and sip my Venti Unsweetened Iced Green Tea ala Starbucks, I realized I am suddenly the hippest gal on the block. Apparently I have joined some revolution of sorts. Today, from the Redwood forests to the Gulf stream waters, people are boiling mad and gathering en masse to protest the irresponsible spending that started with Pres. Bush and has accelerated faster than any winner at Talladaga ever has under our current savior. (economic executioner seems more in line with his ideals, doesn't it?)

When I ordered my "usual" from the guy who waits on me on at least a bi-weekly basis, I was thinking about anything but politics. Actually, I was thinking about dogs. Simple I know. Predictable, yup. That's me! Then it happened... I was prompted by the sales clerk as to whether or not I was participating in some sort of tax day protest because I ordered an iced tea? I think he was testing the waters with me... he is obviously in elephant country, but I am young, and a little artsy. His "artdar" was in tune... better than most, I must give him props for this. Then again, I have seen him while wearing a tragically hip headscarf on prior visits. He may not be that good... I will have to think about this one.

Anyways, I did not have the desire to get into a political conversation with a brainwashed "Blame Bush" art school dropout, macchiato making, vegan eating, underground music loving, horned rimmed glasses wearing even though he has 20/20 vision, going green, "for the common good of the people loving" kid just itching to get into a political conversation. I didn't bite, really. But was sort of pleased that this underground movement was being covered on more networks than just Fox. That meant there was something behind this anger. (which I already knew... but affirmation is always nice.)

I said, "no. My dear artsy, wanna be, raging against the machine, friend, no political message from me. Today I am just a girl with a drink. While I think the whole "tea party" thing is pretty original... well you know what I mean." I picked up my drink at the high counter top. (BTW I hate that counter top... makes me feel like smurfette or any other diminutive cartoon character for that matter. Standing on your tiptoes to pick up your beverage is so 1st grade. I'm just saying.) After doing my daily "Starbucks calf raiser", I made my way back to the counter to pay for my unsweetened beverage. I handed him my debit card. Swipe Swipe. Instantly, I am now $3.00 poorer. Sigh.

That's when I did it. The following words spilled from my mouth almost without control. It was truly an out of body experience. I said to him, "I don't know anymore. But, I will tell you one thing Mr. Starbucks boho vibing, SOHO wannabe, you can keep your change." Confused, he looked at me. He said, "Ma'am, you paid with a credit card." Suddenly, the light bulb went on in his Nietche filled head. He got my point. He smiled a smile of curious admiration and defeat. Nodding, he proceeded to ask me out for lunch, or dinner, or drinks, or anything he could think of. He probably would have accompanied me on my trip to Jiffy Lube. Apparently he has a thing for the witty commenting, art school lite girl. Politely, I declined his offer, explaining I am currently in L-O-V-E love. (and the art school type drop out isn't exactly my cup of tea, for the record) But, he made my day in more than one way. And, for this, I heart him.

So, here is to you Mr. Starbucks pouring, bicycle owning, tofu eating maker of my unsweetened iced tea. You officially made me feel smart, pretty and witty. Then again, I probably already felt all three of these things before I entered the coffee chain king's 5,000th location. However, acknowledgement from someone out of my little circle of court jesters of my sheer awesomeness is well, like winning a major award. Leg lamp, here I come!

**side note for those in less than the sixth grade: "Keeping the change" is a play on words... aahh, but what is the context?"

**side note for those who ride a bicycle: bikes are not modes of transportation that save the earth, they are toys. tomfoolery on wheels. dangerous. the outfits worn by serious cyclists are utterly ugly... and I don't care how Patrick Dempsey or KKRT you are... you look foolish.

**side note for all art school drop outs: GO BACK TO SCHOOL... IT IS NOT THAT HARD. I SWEAR.

Captain Phil, Pirates, And A New Outlook...

In all fairness, and I must remind you that I am rarely fair... but I think it is pretty fair to say that our military officially rules the school. I absolutely love and I mean love a great military display. This weekend off the coast of Somalia, I was once again reveling in the awesomeness of the US armed forces.

Yes, I am the girl who attended the Air and Water show in Chicago... and exclaimed with glee at every maneuver the Blue Angels made around the Hancock building... I was once the only one cheering for the Union soldiers at the reenactment of the battle of Shiloh. A simple Yankee at a Rebel soldier extravaganza... It was a blast and culturally, well, interesting to say the least. Don't knock it until you try it!

However, whether you cheer for the Union or Rebel soldiers at the south's second favorite pastime of civil war reenactment, (second to SEC football, no doubt) you must admit that hearing of our Navy's successful endeavor to wipe Abdi Blackbeard and crew off of the map was pretty amazing and inspiring. Our military is definitely "bad ass"! And, for the record, I like to remind the rest of the world, as well as myself of this very fact. Flexing muscles can be fun... especially if yours are the biggest. For the record, mine are pathetic. Sigh.

Watching the epic unfold, which will no doubt be made into a blockbuster hit within the next 24 months, got me to thinking. Dangerous I know. Don't worry, I assure you this sort of thing is short lived, and I will be back to my no good nonsense in no time. Somewhere, my dad just sighed with relief!

But while thinking, I surmised the following facts: Those who are unarmed or under armed (not as in the long underwear... but in the lack of sweet daisy cutters and oozies) are susceptible to those who are. This train of thought spurred new thoughts about the actual larger picture of the unarmed being sitting ducks. And, ladies and gentlemen, I am referring to those shopping at Neiman's, and carrying humanitarian aid on cargo ships in the Gulf of Aden... not the arsenal of Switzerland or lack thereof. Frankly, I have changed my ideas on my previously liberal stance on guns and gun control. Call it evolution if you will. Guns and Fashion Square Mall DO mix!

And, for the record, I do think the Swiss should invest more dolla bills, yo, in the development of a military... and less time perfecting expensive timepieces... it would save me some serious cash. Tangent accomplished!

Previously, as in oh give or take 5 days ago, I was a complete believer in the philosophy of if nobody is packing heat, than the need for guns is obsolete. Idealistic? Yes. Stupid? Perhaps. Are my views changed? Absolutely. I have come to the sad realization that just living your life in your own little rational little world does not mean the bat sh*t crazy person next to you may not have had the privilege of being reared in a highly functioning broken home popping their "happy pills" on a scheduled regiment. My parents just had consecutive heart attacks... sorry Mom and Dad! I do love you. Please don't write me out of your wills... ever. Nothing says that these guys have the same motivations as a blissfully happy and highly medicated suburban girl with red lacquered toenails. He or she may want to do some serious harm to your perfect physique. Not everyone has the same outlook as Mary Poppins, or one Miss KKRT. And, perhaps, we should be more prepared to take on the thugs. Myself included. Pottery Barn can be a scary place. Especially during a sale in an upper middle class suburb. Gun shots WILL ring out like bells! There is also a sale on Egyptian cotton towels.

Perhaps if Captain Phil, not of the Deadliest Catch variety, and crew were more prepared to face down a couple of rag tag thugs, the US navy would not have needed to intervene. However, I do like their ambitions, and the dramatic plot line which consumed my weekend reading material. The good guys definitely need ammo... and sweet guns! Surely, if the true good guys (who were actually being real life good guys... bringing food to the hungry and all) had the proper tools to protect themselves, a huge vessel like the Alabama could not be taken over by a 28 foot dinghy piloted by some desperate plebes to a guy that probably looks a lot like Satan or Idi Amin. (Which one is worse... the jury is still out... glad I am not in charge of judging the worst people in the world... Good Luck, Heavenly Father.)

There is only one reason those pathetic and desperate lackeys had a snowball's chance in Somalia is because they had something Captain Phi lacked. Proper means for defense. Also known as semi-automatic guns and other things little boys like to talk about. High powered hoses simply will not stop bullets. I mean really? Water vs. Bullets? talk about fighting with both hands tied behind your back and blindfolded? Did you say you wanted to get your a*s kicked? Let me show you my squirt gun to match your rocket propelled grenade! Almost funny, isn't it? Super Soaker VS. illegal arms: The diplomatic fight. Aaahhh... I digress, almost. The playing field needs to be equalized. After all, isn't that only "fair". Remember, I am rarely fair... relish in this moment.

If the lunatics of the world so choose to use weapons, who says we need to turn our swords into ploughshares? Wait, don't answer this one? I already know... but didn't he also say "an eye for an eye"? While the later is a little extreme... it does seem rather "fair". And, today, I like fair. Lets just say I don't want to be the only gal left shorthanded at the mall when some loon decides to make it rain shotgun shells. Today, I choose to be prepared. Responsible, yet prepared none the less.

Perhaps those who hold such little value for human life and freedom had the 9mm pointed at them instead of at the other guy their very ideals would change more rapidly than rabbits reproduce. Aaah, but the hand is on the other foot now, isn't it? Maybe if we start playing by their rules, things will change... and this conversation will become rather moot. Idealistic thought? Yup. But then again, I am new to this whole I heart guns thing. Que fab-four ballad..."Some may say I'm a dreamer... and I'm not the only one..." however, this is officially my virgin experience with loving Charlton Heston. Perhaps we should pry his AK-47 from his cold, dead, hand... and loan it to the Mersk Alabama employees or the personal shopper at Saks? Anyone have an extra NRA application laying around? I'm their newest fan!

And To The Republic, Mr. Franklin.

Somewhere along the lines, we the people got things confused. We have deviated from the nine principles and twelve values that were adopted in order to form a more perfect union. Our forefathers did not set forth to create a democracy. Instead, they chose a republic. With our convenient amnesia, we have ultimately changed the charted course for our nation. Welcome to democracy.

When Benjamin Franklin was asked what sort of government had been set into place for the United States, he replied, "A republic, if you can keep it." The key here, is the "if you can keep it" part. 200 years later, we are struggling to uphold these principles. By abandoning the principles of a republic, we are theoretically throwing the baby out with the bath water. We are rejecting the founding principles of our nation. They did not choose to set up a democracy. Democracies can be dangerous. Democracies are based upon a majority rule philosophy. A republic is founded on the rule of law. A republic is grounded in truth and personal responsibility.

The ancient Greeks knew the dangers of adopting a majority rule governance. Sometimes, the majority can be dead wrong. The views of the people can become skewed. They instead listen to promises of government fulfillment and abandon personal responsibility and truth. The Athenians learned the hard way that without law, there can be no freedom. The Roman's also stumbled with democracy. And, in the end, their brilliant empire crumbled... they ended up with an oligarchy beginning with the Caesars. This history lesson is vital to understand the future of America. When we abandon our principles of personal responsibility and natural law, we choose what becomes easy. We the people stop looking out for the nation as a whole. We become selfish. What can the government do for me? And, ultimately, we discover that government is not an answer to our prayers... power is abused. Oligarchies are formed. Is this what we desire? To return to the very form of government we fought so fiercely to abolish?

We seem to have lost the roadmap (constitution) left for us by our forefathers. Instead, we are "winging it". We are following what is a majority rules philosophy. We have abandoned the checks and balances of a republic. With our desertion of law, we have lost initiative. We are missing the point of a republic. We are creating a government so big it cannot succeed. After all, nothing is too big to fail. We bail out the auto industries; then we place stringent conditions upon their business models. We save the financial industries; then we cap their salaries and refuse to accept their repayment. Why? To enlist control by the government. These actions surely are not of the people. Our government is no longer acting like a republic. It resembles a democracy. The flaws of a democracy are many, but most importantly, the majority is not restrained in their actions. Congress and The Executive office are held by a single party. Majority rules. They are not restrained. They have free reign to apply their convictions upon those who have elected them to office.

Laws are not set up to inhibit freedoms, they are set into place to ensure them. It is our natural born right as US citizens to succeed or fail. We are entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We are not entitled to free groceries, government controls, and golden parachutes. The role of national treasurer should not be held by a majority rule. Because, when things come down to money, everyone's opinions become quickly misguided and selfish.

I am still working this one out in my little pea brained head. I have to let it marinate. What I do know, is that we have lost our way. We need to dust off the old constitution. We need to return to the principles and values of those who had the foresight to see that the road less travelled is in fact the correct road. Yes, the road can be long and hard... but the reward is worth the journey. We cannot abandon our course. We have to follow it. If we fail at this, we have failed our forefathers.

PS... I hate this post. I have not wrapped myself around my thoughts thoroughly... This is definitely subpar KKRT.

Contemplation: Is My Political Career Over Before It Began?

NOTE: Due to the fact that my personal ambitions have changed... I am seriously contemplating a few ideas regarding my postings... However, I know I cannot go back... and that if I begin to share my most humiliating moments with the masses (consider it cathartic therapy) my political career will be short and swift. I am thinking about this one. I have not made up my mind yet. I will keep you posted.

Headlines and Headliners

Alright, I had to make another post, stat. You see, I simply couldn't allow the supreme Ms. Britney's picture sit next to mine. It made me feel less like a pop star, less fabulous, sub par. I think I need a stylist, a trainer, and a photo shoot with Annie Liebowitz yesterday. Excuse me while I handcuff myself to the elliptical machine and make an appointment at the salon.

Besides Ms. Spears, and her "circus" there is actually a lot going on in the news. Here are my top 10 favorite headlines for the day. No, they do not even begin to pretend to be in the same stratosphere as the upcoming music extravaganza to be held this evening... but they are good none the less.

10. Man has erection that lasted for 8 days. Apparently this sort of experience is bad for ones health. Requiring the guy to go under the knife. Those silly Cialis commercials warning of an erection lasting more than four hours have always made me chuckle. This guy puts an entirely new spin on the whole thing. Being that exciting must be "hard" work.

9. Bernie Madoff's brother will now be living in absolute squalor. His monthly allowance from the feds: $10,000.00. Man, I wish this was my cross to bear. Think of the shoes I would own? Poor baby!

8. Madonna is unfit. She has been denied by a Malawian judge to gain custody of an African orphan due to her address. Apparently she must live in the African bush for 18 months in order to become a mama again. I have mixed feelings about this one. But none the less, don't you think her attorneys would have had this figured out before she traveled to pick up said child? I'm just saying...

7. Kim Jong Ill and his North Korean cronies are planning on launching a "satellite" in the next few days. Satellite my fanny. Someone needs to spike this guy's Diet Coke with Drano. The world would be a better place. Heck, the person would probably get some sort of Nobel Peace Prize for ridding the world of one of its ills. Pathetic despot. Crazy MoFo. This guy is definitely on my "watch list".

6. Michael Vick has revealed his post prison plans. The former Atlanta Falcon's phenom will now work a construction job for $10.00 per hour. He will surely have his $7,000,000.00 debt to the NFL team paid back in no time. Obviously the fall from the top is a long way down. Punk.

5. PBO and his G20 friends look to be having an amazing time, and they have the picture to prove it! Have you seen the images? Very frat boy partyesque. Seriously? Actually, I rather like the picture of the world leaders. They look like a bunch of animal house wanna be diplomats. Looks like "nation building" was a success, Denmark psychos and all.

4. America's dumbest criminal has a new front runner. Some dude had a really brilliant plan. He was totally using his head... all of it. His plan you ask? Ram head through glass... for creating instant access to the goods he so desired. Now the phrase "fools rush in" has an entirely new meaning.

3. The left wing bloggers are feuding. The Daily Kos doesn't like the Pink ladies. Apparently their ideals are out of touch and insignificant. You tell em, Kos. Please send yourselves the same memo. Far right and Far left views are not those of middle america... but then again, we do cling to our guns and religion here.

2. Blago has been officially charged with all sorts of nasty things. We all knew this was coming. What we didn't know, was that he was going to be at the happiest place on earth when he found out the bad news. I guess not everyone in Disney is eternally happy. Somewhere, there is an Ex-Gov. having a really bad day. But, it should make him feel better that some five year old didn't get the Mickey doll they so desperately wanted. Tantrums and hardship all around.

1. The White House gave out the wrong phone number for Sec. Hillary Clinton's press live chat. Instead of getting Hillary, members of the press got hooked up to a sex line. Isn't this so typical of anything Clinton? I just would have expected it centering around her other half. Who knew Hillary had it in her. This one could bring me joy for days, weeks, months... imagine calling in and getting this... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Thats all, folks. I am now officially speechless. Off to stand in front of some mirror and stare at my beautiful face... it is almost as pretty as Britney's, right?

It's Britney, Bitch!

Britney is in Minne. Evidentally, the whole town has become one large circus. Everyone wants a piece of her comeback. This includes me. I will admit, that when she did fall off the deep end and do the whole head shaving thing that I did abandon my pop star. I chalked her up to washed up, crazy, another starlet snuffed out of tinseltown. Aaah, but she is Britney. She wouldn't let a little electric razor and an umbrella stand in the spotlight forever... Although both events will live in infamy. Ladies and Gentlemen, she is back!

Open Letter.

Dear PBO,
Apparently you are not a very good gift giver. Its OK... people have a really hard time buying for me, I can't imagine trying to please a real queen. (wait, I am not really one? Sigh.) There is hope for you. There is a learning curve to buying gifts. If it makes you feel any better, I once dated a guy that gave me a t-shirt that said, "Sometimes I pee when I laugh" as my first gift... he was officially known as Bad gift ______. My mean spirited sister loved this about him. She found joy in my pain. She loved to watch gingerly and almost reluctantly open whatever package was placed before me. The poor SOB had such high hopes for his gifts... I must be a good actress, or he is clueless. I guess it is the thought that counts. The package was much better wrapped up with a ribbon, than unrapped and revealed in all of its misery. I just wanted them to stay neatly adorned in giftwrap and curling ribbon... they were better that way. The element of surprise was better than the actual gift. It was better than me pretending to love whatever piece of junk he presented to me. Seriously, I should have known right off the bat that this one was going no where fast. Aaah, chalk it up to youth and inexperience.... actually, he turned out to be one heck of a gift giver. He just needed a little "training". sometimes, I miss his gifts. sorry for the tangent.

The point is this... you are pretty new at buying presents for people you don't really know that are queens. You will likely improve. I have great faith in your gift giving abilities. After all, you are married, this means you have a wife. This means that there is a woman in your life. This means you have ever been dragged on a trip to the mall to purchase gifts for others you don't know particularly well. Essentially, on this one - you are not to blame. I am assuming that this is the job of some low level WH employee. (is there even such a thing...if there is, I am available for gift buyer in chief... or whatever, you can choose the title... I would be happy to send you my current online shopping carts and credit card statements in lieu of a resume... more appropriate don't you agree?) You are probably far too busy with other important matters such as aiding GM in selection their new board members to bother shopping for the queen. You are probably too busy thinking up ways to make Americorps the 14th largest employer in the country to bother with choosing UK friendly DVD's. Surely, you have been far too busy firing CEO's and the likes to check if the queen already had an IPOD. I get it, you're busy. Perhaps, to save some face next time... you should delegate some of this gift giving responsibility to your lovely wife. Skip the low level WH intern. Go with what you know... use your first lady. She should be pretty good at this.

Oh, and Mr. President, one last thing... stop trying to have government take over my entire life. I don't appreciate it, at all. You see, I don't really feel like living in Calgary, although it is beautiful... I didn't choose to move to Arles. Nope, I surely didn't choose Stockholm as my hometown. Nope, Mr. President, I choose to live in the United States. I like it here. I like capitalism. I like the risk and reward of failure. It keeps life exciting, and my alarm clock set. No offense Mr. Pres., but you know that your ideas may be slightly off kilter when UK citizens lambaste you for your wacked out policies being too "socialist". This whole gift giving fiasco was not your fault. You are not to blame for that one. But this gift of big government you seem so hard pressed to give to the American people... this one is yours. And frankly, like the "pee tee", this one will be better served left wrapped up, on the emergency gift shelf, for a later (much much much... like um... never) date. In this instance, the old adage "its the thought that counts" just won't cut the butter. Looks like you need to go back to the drawing board, and try something a little more "capitaliy" before gifting the american people with a financial WMD.
Cheers!
KKRT