If A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words: A Video Is Worth $275 Billion

Sometimes somebody just says it better than I. Today, I salute you, Mr. Fox Business network. Hmmm... This reminds me of those old Bud Light Presents radio commercials. Those were the best. Perhaps, I should write one for Mr. Cavuto. Thats it, this is what I shall do. Signing off to let my ideas marinate. But seriously, this guy got it right today. We should all pay attention.

I Heart Faces.

As the proud owner of a Nikon D40 and fancy shmancy lens, I am all about photography these days. It is the object of my affection. (after Diddy Bop, of course) I have stumbled across a great place to view awesome photography from regular day people... tada! I Heart Faces! I have not submitted anything, yet. But check in on it regularly... I will have something there any day now. Who knows, I could be the next winner in the I heart faces contest. Aaahh, pipe dreams.

When Good Pets Go Bad: Attack Of The Killer Ape

NOTE TO SELF: Chimpanzees while adorable and funny in grade B movies, do not make a nice family pet. Looking back, I can think of thousands of times I told my mama that she was obviously "the meanest lady in the world" because she said monkeys are not good pets. Her wisdom once again prevails my wanton desires. She must have realized that indeed my face was my fortune, and that idle (or missing hands) were the devil's playground, and was clearly truly looking out for her first addition. Apparently this monkey just snapped. Who knows, we never will, he bit the dust at his owner's request. A word to the wise, when choosing a family pet, choose the Golden Retriever not the lion cub. Choose the teddy bear hamster, not the Grizzly Bear. Choose the Sea Monkey, not the real thing. These guys are not pets or kids, but wild animals with wild tendencies. Choosing to co-habitate with wildlife is a recipe for disaster.

I can hardly wait for all of the animal rights activists to jump all over this one... tick tock tick tock tick tock. I would bet a monkey's uncle that in the coming days this will become a platform for their grossly misguided views. Meanwhile, some lady is in a hospital recovering from having her face and hands removed by a berserk pet primate. Unbelievable. I somehow think this qualifies for the "only in America" category.

P.S. I know you all love my title and clip art... priceless. And yes, that is a gloch 9.

Send In The Clowns: PBO Goes To Denver

President Obama traveled across country to sign the stimulus bill in Denver, Co. Awesome. Not only did he do the exact opposite of what I suggested he do, (veto the damn thing) but he violated his own principles. Apparently environmental responsibility does not have a place in the oval office unless you are signing a new policy into effect. Actually, it appears it has no place in the west wing, thus the need to travel cross country to sign such legislation. What exactly was the significance to signing the bill in Denver? Was he not concerned with his own carbon footprint... or is it just yours and mine he wants to address? The irony of the excessive spending on "climate change" that will obviously stimulate the economy, and his private jet travels has not escaped me. Way to go... way to lay the groundwork for new green policies and energy independence. How was your in-flight movie and meal on Air Force 1. I assure you that the polar bears and environmentalists are eternally grateful. Perhaps, President Obama, Al Gore, and the Prince of Whales should take a lesson from history and the auto makers... try jet pooling.

Am I the only gal on the blog asking what was wrong with the oval office... or the east room? Apparently I missed the memo on what exactly was so essential about signing the bill in Denver. It is becoming quite evident that President Obama still believes he is on the campaign stump. He must have missed that session in congress (while campaigning no doubt) where they explain exactly how a bill becomes a law... location is no matter, it is the signature that seals the deal. Chalk it up as another form of government wasteful spending. With the stimulus bill, allocating all my hard earned pennies and gold bars to fund environmental programs, temporary construction projects, and other bacon-y things... I am (like the rest of America) screwed. I guess the real winners are guys like Al Gore and Tom Daschle. Looks like I will have to find alternative ways to fund my rock and roll lifestyle... while the polar bears will each have a personal air conditioning unit courtesy of the Unites States government. Good thing I still have my cash for gold kit... at least he has not deemed my old gold to be property of the United States government. Although, I figure it is only a matter of time that he regulates these, too. I wonder if somewhere in the stimulus bill is a provision for profits made on cash for gold... its probably right under section addressing clean energy and climate change.

Is it too late to make sure that the commander in chief is properly vetted? Dear Karl Rove, please start briefing Sarah Palin on foreign and domestic policies. I simply cannot hardly wait until 2012. Off to make myself some freedom fries and read my newest bedtime story: The stimulus bill. I am confident it is more powerful than nyquill and ambien CR. (note: I will obviously be wrapped up in my snuggie and using the portable clip-on night light.)

Pelosi and Reid Have Snatched My Expensive Purse

Alert! Five Star Alert! America has been robbed!! With two swift voting sessions, both the house and the senate have passed the spending package. Apparently the cost of this stimulus/spending package, will cost each and every tax payer $37,000 bones. True, Nancy Pelosi may not be running down Hennepin Avenue with my Marc Jacob's bag tucked under her arm, but she may as well be. I guess that I should feel better that I can expect to see a $13 increase in my weekly salary. Somehow, I don't. You see, expanding my budget to include 2 five dollar footlongs and a fountain soda every week does nothing to increase my financial status to "baller". It just makes my dietary plan resemble someone like Jerrod's.

According to my mental calculations, I could buy 7,400 $5 footlongs with the $37K that this stimulus will cost me. It will take just under 55 years of a $13 weekly bonus to my salary to "break even" (without interest.) My retirement date is set for 38 years (I just became depressed...) from today. I will be screwed out of seventeen years of weekly petty cash. (roughly $11,480). However, I will have eaten 7,400 feet of meat and cheese on whole grain. This has to be rough on the duodenum, perhaps lowering life expectancy is key to providing national health care. Aaahhh, who is really looking out for you? Everyone, sing in unison, "God Bless America".

Alert! This Just In...

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this exciting news: Billy Mays has secured a TV deal so lucrative, it may make OxyClean and Mighty Putty seem irrelevant. Apparently the Discovery channel is planning to unveil a little ruby gem called "Pitchman" later this spring. My love for all infomercials ranges from strong to quite strong on the richter scale of enjoyment. Who am I kidding, there has never been a single item infomercialed in the past 15 years that I have not deemed instantly necessary for mankind to press forward with evolution... But Billy Mays...geez, this guy is not only a national icon, who may be single handedly (along with the shamwow guy) saving the economy... he can literally sell me and everyone in the 69+ years demographic anything. My DVR is being emptied as we speak to ensure ample space for Billy. Off to bed with my Snuggie... and to read with my complimentary battery powered clip on light. I may have to apply some head-on just for good measure.

Fool Proof Warning

Dear Freddie Prince Jr.,
In a couple of days, there is going to be the stupidest holiday ever invented. I guess you may call me a casualty of love. After all, it is a trick and a trap... and even hot chick (or mans) can carry the clap. My disdain for this day does not let you off the hook. Unfortunately for you, I like to get presents... alot! Due the excessive amount of fox news we both watch, I have become concerned that you may have gotten some sort of subliminal message as of recent. If you buy me the pajama gram or a vermont teddy bear it is over. Finito. Hasta Lavista, Baby. As I informed you on a previous date that I purchased you a new monogrammed cabin bag... which comes complete with a matching workout bag... which comes complete with a matching long weekend getaway bag... I will not be ruining the surprise as to what you will be getting this coming Saturday. I expect something of greater value. Please remember that I am very expensive, and it will be difficult to buy my affection. However, I have great faith in your checking account. Happy Shopping. Remember, I will judge your love based upon the size of the gift... size does not always indicate the true value of a gift... thing dolla bills, yo! Can't wait to count the ways!
Love,
KKRT

ps... I am going to throw this out there just in case... consider it the idiot tip: Do not in any way shape or form offer to write me a check for my birth control pills... I once heard of a guy who did this, and things did not progress in a friendly manner.

Its A Sad Sad Day... Just The Tip Of The Iceberg

Its a sad, sad day in America. I have a strange suspicion that the current events that have exploded into the news today are merely just the tip of the iceberg. Where things go from here, I haven't the faintest idea. I do know one thing... today was not exactly as VH1 says it... the best day ever.

The senate passed perhaps the silliest piece of legislation since the whole light bulb thing last year. Kelly Clarkson has ballooned up to 347 lbs. It seems all of baseball is on steroids. The octuplet's mother wants to be Angelina Jolie. And, last but not least, the Baltimore Bullet... aka Michael Phelps is looking to face drug charges. I need a stiff drink, stat.

I guess I will never fully understand just how massive government spending will stimulate the economy. I wish Pres. Obama would pontificate on this issue. He surely knows more than I do. After all, I am a simple Yankee girl, and he is the president of the United States. I fret that he is not sure how it does, either. And this whole thing is a sham. By the way, what ever happened to Barney Franks? How can anyone in Washington pretend that he never existed? Stupid fool! I hold him quite responsible for this mess. Sigh. I just don't know how going after the upper crust will boost the economy. It may feel awesome, but I question whether or not it works. Double sigh.

Kelly Clarkson looks like she just stepped out of a three month binge at Krispy Kreme. I don't know what she did, but I would bet my bottom dollar that if she could turn back time, she would. Someone find this woman a trainer and a gym membership immediately. It seems that in a moment like this, Clarkson could use Nutrisystem.

Today it was confirmed that America's pastime no longer includes catching pop up fly's and stealing home. Juicing is now the preferred activity by MLB's top players. A-Rod admitted to it. Tajeda plead guilty. Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens are screwed. The leagues integrity is in the toilet. Perhaps this is the one thing that President Obama and I have common ground on... We both find it disgusting. At last, a silver lining. Like pretty much everything going on these days, this seems to be just the tip of the iceberg.

Ms. eight babies appears to resemble a very very bad interpretation of Angelina Jolie. I love that she opted to use a clinic in Beverly Hills to impregnate herself, all the while she was on government assistance. (welfare) The images of her home look worse than any dilapidated college house on the U of M campus. Could we get a social worker, please. Never mind, Cali. is broke. These kids are gonna fall through the cracks. Good thing she has that $480/month to raise them on. Phew.

Michael Phelps and Company are screwed. Apparently even the owner of the water pipe in question is currently in hot water. Good thing Mr. Phelps is used to being wet. This kid is gonna take a fall for some petty crime, wasting tax payer's dollars, clogging up the courts. Fame is perhaps not all it is cracked up to be. It must be a long long fall from the top. Glad I am not high flying adored.

How in the heck did we get to this place in America? I would apply for citizenship down under, but it seems that all of Oz is burning. I just don't know anymore. I need a drink, an anti-depressant, and a new president. Anyone know of a good doctor or politician, or for that matter, a liquor store with extended hours?

Obama Minutes: A Quick Recap.

Obama addresses the nation. He says there is a rush on food banks. (national panic ensues) I am wondering how I turn my expired easy mac into cold hard cash. Do I sell it on EBAY? Scratch that, my mother would probably pick it up for a steal. Enough on my insensitive food bank joke. People are hungry. However, you would not know it by the upswing in sales that McDonald's has seen as of recent. He claims that only the private sector needs to fix the economy, and that "We The People" cannot ride on the coattails of our government for effective solutions. (did we just find a common ground??) Except for in this instance, of course. Government will be the knight in shining armor, saving the masses from ultimate financial demise. (aah, not too fast, K., rose colored glasses back off) He goes on to say that tax cuts (especially those that don't benefit the well-heeled) are the answer to our nation's prayers. It seems to Pres. Obama, that those sort of tax cuts are the causation that led us to the place where the sky is falling. He's misguided, but no big deal, really.

But, it is a big deal! I am going to give credit where credit is due. He has not changed his tune since he left the campaign trail, and moseyed into the oval office. His entire campaign was dedicated to deciphering the difference between those greedy S.O.B's on Wall Street, and hard-working citizens of Main Street. I think this is one of those instances where Joe was correct. The administration would inexorably get it wrong 30% of the time. There is no difference. When Wall Street takes a nose dive, so does everyone else. When the affluent become poor, the poor become something that resembles those living in Appalachia. Frankly, I wish someone would take this song that never ends out of his head, and insert a different sort of melody. Somebody please start researching Pres. Reagan's favorite song, stat!

Since we have all been made aware that if this bill does not pass, Chicken Little's predictions will prove to be true... and Pres. Obama will be ousted from the elliptical shaped office in one term; he implores that we must pass the bill. The messiah's future is in jeopardy. I can't blame him, in these economic times of trial, one must look out for oneself and preserve their job. After all, he has a wife and two kids to take care of.

Be that as it may, and since he so eloquently pointed out that we cannot simply ride on government coattails, (looking towards re-election) what if the legislation proposed is a bad idea. (exhibit A: The Stimulus Bill) How can rushing to push through a shoddy stimulus be better for the economy than doing nothing? For a guy so concerned about education and the future of all children, he sure is quick to place a trillion gazillion dollar sized burden on his first and latest editions. We are all screwed.

The whole thing with doing nothing, unless it is the right thing... Its like being a reformed addict. (I heart sober house)... If you stay home and do not go out clubbing, your chances of getting mixed up into the world of drugs, sex and rock and roll are far less than if you attend the grand opening at The Red Buddha Lounge five days out of rehab. What if, instead of rushing the gates to pass a lackluster piece of legislation, we took a breather, and wrote something actually meaningful and stimulating not only for the mind, body and soul, (smoking cessation programs) but also the economy?

He advised his fellow Americans that in order to be good citizens, you would not delve into the exact wording of the bill. The government's expense report does not need a meticulous eye. He suggested that if you did pry into the mix that the abundance of pork would be duly noted. Apparently government waste is not a huge concern for the horses ass' in congress; or for that matter, the interest of the commander in chief. I am so thankful that he is looking out for the common man, when he is now exempt from paying taxes, as are the rest of the big shots in his party... or so they think... Somewhere I am missing something... if I am to be a good citizen, I should not do my research, and just trust what the leader says... Mom and Dad, apparently you were wrong, I should not take the "bull by the horns" and invest in my own fate, but follow in line like a good soldier, and hope that they were right.

Evidently, this whole bill is really about the creation of 4,000,000 jobs. My question is this: What if these jobs are not imperative? What if they don't spur the economy like it is suggested? This whole thing is starting to resemble a whole lot of what I like to call "make-work". Make-work is unnecessary, and in this case, very taxing. (no pun intended) I hated it in school, and I hate it now. It is demoralizing and minimizes my or anyone else's true capacity. I would argue that these "temporary" jobs would be more detrimental to our society than unfulfilled jobs, and long lines at the unemployment office. It would only delay the inevitable, all the while we are out an infinity of dollars. I would normally install a long list of useless data here to support my argument, but I unfortunately due to the tough times, I could not afford an administrative assistant for blogging research, and Dakota does not have apposible thumbs.

To be honest, I am completely blase` about the entire press conference... much like I am about his entire governance thus far. It is only a small sliver of light into his ambitions. He will likely fail. There is no news here. I did, however, find the question and answer session to be enlightening. He officially took bloviating to an entirely new and unexciting level... Snoozefest '09! He did blame the Bush administration for all his woes. And to some extent, he can. He has only been in office for roughly 20 days. President Bush does own a large portion of this problem. Congress also owns its own fair share. But the blame game just does not seem to have the Leave It To Beaver feeling of the bipartisanship that he champions for. It doesn't seem like change, just more of the same politics as usual. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

The softballs kept coming his way... it was almost as if the questions were scripted. Bat crazy Helen Thomas, who by the way has to be 900 years old, and should retire retroactively 30 years ago, referred to those fighting in Pakistan as "so-called terrorists". Excuse me, lady, exactly what would you call a group of rebel rousers who blow things up on a daily basis to instill fear...Care Bears? This P.C. happy society we live in is preposterous. Call things for what they are, be succinct. My favorite moment was when some village idiot, whose uncle obviously owns the Washington Post, and secured him a job in the White House Press Corps (aaahhhhh... nepotism), asked Pres. Obama about A-Rod's steroid use. Are you kidding me? What next, a recap of the president's take on today's TMZ gossip? Next thing you know, he will be weighing in on Oprah's and Jessica Simpson's weight battle. The country needs a compass. The economy is in trouble. We need solid leadership. I am suspect that we have chosen the right man for the job. Tonight when I pray, it may go a little something like this: Dear God, make me a bird so that I can fly far, far, far away from here...

Back to your regularly scheduled programming... I digress, but still stand firm on my soapbox.

Oh Arkansas... Things That Don't Speak Well For You!

I Feel You, Buddy!

Oh, Little man, I understand! After all the countless hours I have spent in Dr. Anderson's chair, I feel your pain. In your compromised state you showed great restraint. You did not tell all the dental hygienist that her teeth were so awful that they rivaled those of our friends across the pond. You did not tell your dentist that surely his credentials were questionable at best. You did not write a note addressed to the entire office staff regarding their lack of concern or care when it came to patients. You did not tell them that the customer was always right. You did not use your sweatshirt sleeve as a sponge to clean up the bloody bio hazard mess that you left on the check-in counter while writing said letter. You did not inform them via letter that they were all fatsos. You did not let them in on the little secret that they were running a shoddy operation. Never did you explain to them that their method of balance billing was illegal, and you were going to prosecute them to the fullest extent. Nor did you threaten to report them to the better business bureau. No, little man, you just felt funny. And, you were funny. Unfortunately, I am pretty sure that someone else was not funny... at all. I am fairly confident that the said incident is the sole reason that at a recent visit, Dr. Anderson deemed somebody his "worst" patient. I am also certain that this is the reason that all Novocaine injections given to the "worst" patient ever have since been a little more painful. After all, the "worst" patient ever did question her fitness and dietary regime. Public Service Announcement: Never, ever, in any circumstance question a lady's weight, or excess of. Especially if said individual injects a needle into the roof of your mouth. Lesson learned by bad patient. The deepest and most sincere apologies are due to the entire staff at Sedation and Implant Dentistry. Something tells me the "worst" patient ever is a goon.

On a side note, kids really don't like mind altering drugs. And, I truly dislike Tim Tebow.

Are Children A Cash Crop

The miracle is eight babies. The tragedy is eight babies, raised by an unemployed single mother. The ethical issues surrounding these tiny miracles are profound. The financial responsibility is great. The moral responsibility is intangible. It is not the dollar amount/burden that these tiny footprints will place upon taxpayers that is disconcerting to me, but rather the burden these kids will feel being one of fourteen, in a house where the mother's mental state is in question. Children are a gift. Every single one of them. These kids are a gift. Raising a child is the single most important responsibility a person can undertake. Will this mother be able to shoulder the enormous responsibility of raising fourteen healthy, confident, productive citizens. I am suspect. I pray she defies the odds. Children are not commodities.

It is incomprehensible to me that a couple wishing to adopt a child must undergo FBI background checks, several visits from social workers, have letters of recommendation written proclaiming that they are, indeed fit to parent, while there is no red tape for those choosing to try IVF. Where was this lady's background check? Did a social worker visit her parent's three bedroom home? Who wrote letters of praise deeming her fit to raise fourteen children, alone? Where is the red tape?

This woman will have enough children to fill the quota on a private school's classroom. What are the social and developmental ramifications that will impact these lives? What does being one of fourteen entail? Are all of the child's emotional needs met? How does one deal with fourteen scraped knees and hurt feelings at one time. The setting becomes as institutionalized as an orphanage. Will these kids have the same attachment issues of those who spent their lives in an institution? Who will fix them? I do not count on the government agencies to kiss every single hurt finger, validate every dream, or listen to every concern that these kids will have. One person simply cannot do it alone. The government cannot do it. How will the selfishness and ignorance of one affect these little innocent lives? Who is responsible to ensure that they are loved?

Even sadder, there are millions of children already waiting to be loved. Just loved. These kids are currently in foster care in the US, and in orphanages abroad. These fourteen children (eight new babies) are now most likely to be a number added to the millions and millions who wait. I pray that these children do not spend their lives shuffling in and out of foster care homes, never really having a place to call home. Reality is however, reality. This is the likely story of their "bright" future. Some will probably find loving homes miles away from sunny California. Others will probably not have that same fortune. Those families who are fortuitous enough to complete their families with one of these precious babies will understand the burden of parenthood. The child will be wanted. Loved. It will be their own family miracle. They will have passed stringent background checks, gone through miles and miles of red tape, and opened their hearts to love their new son(s)/daughter(s). But, adoption is not the answer.

It is always better for a child to be raised with love and care by their birth parents. No parent dreams of placing their child up for adoption. No child dreams of being placed in foster care. Every child dreams of having their mom and dad love on them and nurture them. However, adoption is and can be truly magical. It is a wonderful option to an imperfect situation. While adoption builds families, it also separates families. It is a bandaid on a larger problem. It remains a second best solution. This does not however discount the miracle that transpires through the adoption process. We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life. But those who make their journey home across time and miles, growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them, are carried on the wings of destiny and placed among us by God's own hands.

Open Letter.

Dear Mr. Daschle,

I've noticed that you have been all over the news lately. Unfortunately, for you, it is for reasons you probably wish would disappear. Isn't it ironic? You consistently voted to raise taxes. You nearly collapsed on the patriot blue carpeting in the senate chambers when Bush 43 proposed tax cuts. Your fought against these tax cuts with more vim and vigor than my 97 year old grandfather displays on a daily basis. This, is a backhanded compliment. He is busier than most spry 45 year olds. I assumed that your strong objections to tax cuts had to do with the pork barrel spending you so desired to set aside for you "pet projects". Little did I know, that you viewed taxes as a mere suggestion. If only I had known. I would have listened to the suggested rate of taxation you deemed acceptable for my income bracket. Then, just like you, I would have neglected to write my check to Uncle Sam. Afterwards, if and when (and this is a definite if and when) the national media found my omitted donation to the federal government, I would sincerely draft and apology of sorts. If only I had known that paying taxes were merely a suggested civic duty. I would have surely tithed, as I do at church on Sunday... and given give or take ten percent. Or, perhaps I would have followed suit and simply forgot to put my check in the mail. The most interesting piece of in this entire tangled little web you have woven, is the fact that you may or may not be in charge of my future health care options. I can hardly wait to see what sort of suggestions you have in store for me, and exactly what your personal health care plan shapes up to be. I know, I know, nationalized health care for all, except for you, Mr. Dashle, who will undoubtedly hire a private physician with all the cash you saved on cheating on you taxes. Perhaps you could just make yourself disappear, pay your taxes (instead of trying to pay your taxes) and keep your paws off of my medica plus plan.
Sincerely,

The Future Queen of the House

PS... I am sorry that I will not remember your 30 years of service, instead of your gross negligence. It seems that your dishonest, illegal, and disgusting tax evading scheme simply trumps anything you have done before. Sorry!