Pelosi and Reid Have Snatched My Expensive Purse

Alert! Five Star Alert! America has been robbed!! With two swift voting sessions, both the house and the senate have passed the spending package. Apparently the cost of this stimulus/spending package, will cost each and every tax payer $37,000 bones. True, Nancy Pelosi may not be running down Hennepin Avenue with my Marc Jacob's bag tucked under her arm, but she may as well be. I guess that I should feel better that I can expect to see a $13 increase in my weekly salary. Somehow, I don't. You see, expanding my budget to include 2 five dollar footlongs and a fountain soda every week does nothing to increase my financial status to "baller". It just makes my dietary plan resemble someone like Jerrod's.

According to my mental calculations, I could buy 7,400 $5 footlongs with the $37K that this stimulus will cost me. It will take just under 55 years of a $13 weekly bonus to my salary to "break even" (without interest.) My retirement date is set for 38 years (I just became depressed...) from today. I will be screwed out of seventeen years of weekly petty cash. (roughly $11,480). However, I will have eaten 7,400 feet of meat and cheese on whole grain. This has to be rough on the duodenum, perhaps lowering life expectancy is key to providing national health care. Aaahhh, who is really looking out for you? Everyone, sing in unison, "God Bless America".